Between the Leaves and the Letting Go

September doesn’t just bring a change in the weather.
It brings a shift in the soul.
A soft unraveling.
A quiet grief.

The days are still warm enough to pretend it’s summer,
but the wind doesn’t lie.
The light fades earlier now,
and the leaves have started to let go—
like even they are too tired to hold on.

And maybe I am, too.

This is my last season at camp.
October 18 will be the final day I call this mountain mine.
My last sunrise wrapped in fog.
My last trash run,
last time my name crackles through the walkie,
last time I move through these woods like they still belong to me.

And it hurts more than I thought it would.
Not just because I’m leaving,
but because I’ve already been disappearing.

Depression showed up slowly this season.
Not like a thunderstorm—more like fog.
Stealing joy in pieces.
Making everything feel far away.
I’m still showing up.
Still doing the work.
But some days it feels like I’m watching myself live from somewhere else.

The stars still catch my eye—I even took a photo the other night.
But the awe I used to feel has been quieter.
Less like wonder,
more like a memory trying to reach me.

This month is National Suicide Prevention Month.
And I think it matters to be honest.
I have been hurting.
I have been tired.
I have been thinking too much about vanishing.
And maybe you have too.

If you have, please hear me:
You are not broken.
You are not a burden.
You are not too much.
You are not alone.

And I’m learning—slowly, gently—that even in all this ache,
there are still things worth staying for.

Like hot coffee on the porch when the morning air turns sharp.
Like seeing your breath in October and remembering you’re still alive.
Like flannel shirts and cinnamon candles and letting yourself wear the soft things.
Like small bonfires with good people.
Like seeing a friend you haven’t in months and realizing they missed you.
Like baking something warm.
Like letting someone hug you, even when you don’t have the words.
Like a drive with the windows down and the music loud.
Like finding new things to try—maybe pottery, or painting, or just going on a walk when the trees start to flame.

Like looking up at the stars and whispering: I’m still here.

Because you are.
And that’s everything.

So no, I don’t have a perfect ending to this post.
Just this:
I’m hurting.
I’m healing.
I’m staying.
And I’m learning to believe there’s more ahead.
Not just endings.
But beginnings, too.

The leaves are falling.
But so are the stars.
And they do take note.

So if all you can do today is stay—
Stay.
And I’ll stay too.


If you’re struggling, please don’t stay silent.
You matter. You are needed here.

📞 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (US)
Call or text 988 anytime. You are not alone.

📱 Crisis Text Line
Text HELLO to 741741 to chat with a trained counselor.

🌐 NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness)
Visit nami.org/help or call 1-800-950-NAMI (6264)

🧡 You are not a burden. Your life still holds light. Please, stay.

Edges of Autumn

It’s a lazy Sunday. One of those early September days when the sun moves slowly and the sky hasn’t quite decided whether it’s done with summer yet. I was doing the usual, taking out the trash, scrubbing out corners of the house that are ignored on busy days, and trying to clean the week off my hands so I could step into the next one a little lighter. The kind of cleaning that isn’t just about wiping surfaces but about finding control in the little things. Breathing room. A fresh start.

Once the house was reset, I grabbed my empty Yeti bottles and made my way to Hunt Hall. Everyone knows that Hunt has the best water. We’re on a well system out here, so the water isn’t processed or filtered down to nothing, it’s cold, crisp, and tastes like it came straight from the heart of the mountain. And somehow, the sink at Hunt always hits better than the rest. Maybe it’s superstition. Maybe it’s just the way comfort attaches itself to places we return to often.

And that’s when I saw it.

The tree outside Hunt Hall. Tall and quiet and waiting, like it has been all summer. But today, the sun caught the very top of it, just right. And in that light, I noticed it: the first blush of autumn. Just the top leaves. Just a few. Stained in red and orange like someone had taken a match to the edge of summer.

It stopped me.

It shouldn’t have. I’ve lived through enough Septembers to know the signs. The crispness in the mornings, the way the light hits differently, the first leaf that crunches underfoot when you weren’t even looking for it. But there was something about seeing it here, outside Hunt, in the middle of a chore I’d done a hundred times, that made me still.

Maybe it was the contrast. The way the top leaves flared with color while the rest of the tree held onto green. Like it wasn’t ready to let go yet. Like it was trying to hold both seasons in its branches for just a little longer. And maybe I understood that more than I wanted to.

There’s a lot we carry into fall. The weight of what we didn’t say over the summer. The tiredness that lingers even after we sleep. The goodbyes we didn’t mean to say but ended up whispering anyway. And still, we move forward. Still, the days get shorter. Still, the leaves change whether we’re ready or not.

But this tree, catching the light, reminded me that change doesn’t always arrive all at once. Sometimes it begins at the edges. Quietly. Slowly. With just a few leaves turning red while the rest of you tries to stay the same.

I think that’s how I feel right now.

I’m not fully in fall yet. Not ready for the rush of endings or the turning of pages. But I’m starting to feel it. The shift. The Knowing. That something is coming, and I won’t be the same once it’s here.

So I stood there, for a moment, water bottles forgotten in my arms, and let myself just be. With the tree. With the change. With the soft, burning light of a lazy Sunday.

And maybe that’s enough.
To notice.
To pause.
To begin to let go.

Even if it’s just one leaf at a time.