The End Before The End

We are nearing the end of another summer, and everything inside me feels it.

The mountain gave us a false fall this week—crisp mornings, soft wind, light that slanted a little differently through the trees. I stood in it one morning, coffee in hand, hoodie pulled tight, and for a second I thought maybe the world was trying to be gentle with us. Maybe it knew the unraveling had begun.

We have two weeks left. But the camp we knew is already fading.

The laughter is quieter now. The porch feels emptier. The rhythm we clung to—meals, moments, madness—it’s changed. We’re still running, still doing the work, but it’s more behind the scenes now. Hosting season has slipped in quietly, and we’ve shifted with it. Belay lines. Dining hall resets. Quiet glances exchanged in passing. Less ministry in the spotlight—more in the shadows.

We set the stage now. We sweep the floors. We stay up late and rise earlier, not for the grand moments but for the ones that go unseen.

And maybe that’s why it hurts more.

Because we’re still here, still giving, but the heartbeat of summer is fading—and it’s fading with us still in it.

Right now, I’m writing this from an empty office in the middle of UVA Kesem. Crossroads skeleton staff is on break, and all I can hear is the thump of a distant speaker as music spills from the field. It’s a weird contrast—how quiet it is where I sit, while celebration and movement still echo just outside.

It’s a fitting image for where we are. The party isn’t quite over, but we’re stepping back already. Preparing to let go.

The exhaustion is bone-deep. Soul-deep. The kind of tired that doesn’t just ache in your body—it seeps into your spirit. Like something you’ll carry long after you leave. But there’s also a quiet pride tucked into that fatigue, a knowing that you gave everything you had.

We always talk about how camp changes lives—and it does—but what doesn’t get said enough is how hard it is to come down from it. How hard it is to go from the deep connections formed under string lights and in sweaty dining halls back to the routines of school, work, and everyday life. The people we became here, the bonds we built, the long nights of laughter and tears and shared silence—they don’t always follow us back into the world.

That’s the bittersweet part.

The friendships we made feel like lifelines, like family. And now everyone is slowly packing up, returning to their homes and campuses, and corners of the world. Some of us will stay in touch. Some of us won’t. That’s just how life moves.

But right now, in this stillness—this moment between goodbye and real life—I’m choosing to remember it all. The messy, beautiful chaos. The moments of grace. The times we were too tired to stand but still showed up.

Because we did show up. In every weather. Every breakdown. Every last-minute reset. We stayed. We carried each other. We believed, even when it felt like we had nothing left to give.

Recovery week is coming, and I’m ready for it. My body aches. My mind is frayed. I need rest.

But before I let myself collapse, I want to honor the weight of this ending.

Because it meant something.

Because we meant something.

And we still do. Even here, in this quiet.

Playlist of the Day

Five songs. Five lines. Five versions of me.

• The Good I’ll Do — Zach Bryan

“Won’t you tell me that you need me? ‘Cause lately I’ve been needin’ someone to remind me.”

I don’t always know how to ask for what I need. I act fine. I show up. I keep moving. But sometimes I wish someone would just say it first. That they see me. That they want me here. That I’m not as replaceable as I feel.

• Lose It All — Isaac Mather

“You made it all okay / You carried me through / And I owe it all to you.”

This one’s for the quiet hands that held me when I didn’t deserve it. The people who never asked for recognition, who stood in the shadows but carried my weight anyway. I don’t say thank you enough. But I feel it. Every day.

• Tongue Tied — Chance Peña

“Wanna leave, but I freeze when my feet reach the door. Couldn’t be what I need.”

I’ve walked up to so many edges and backed away. Not because I didn’t want more — but because I didn’t know if I could hold it without falling apart. I get stuck between staying safe and wanting to risk it all for something real.

• doing my best — Hazlett

“I’m okay but kinda upset.”

Honestly? That’s just where I live most of the time. Not breaking, but not fine either. Just getting through it. Showing up when I can. Trying. It doesn’t look like much from the outside, but it’s a full-time job in here.

• Feels Like Home — Caamp

“There’s something in my heart, it feels like fire… and there’s a yearning in the river, and it feels like home.”

That ache — the one I can’t name—it’s always been there. A mix of homesickness and hope, longing and something sacred. I don’t know where “home” is exactly. But I feel it in certain places. Certain people. Certain songs.

If You Asked Me How Today Was

If you asked me how today was, I’d probably smile and say it was good.

Because that’s what you do. That’s what we’ve all been trained to do—wrap our days in something tidy and digestible. Say “good” like it’s a full sentence. Like it means something.

But if you dug deeper—really dug, which rarely anyone does—I’d probably pause. And then I’d tell you something more honest.

Today felt like a fall day, even though it’s still August.
The kind of weather that slips in quietly and makes everything feel just a little more bearable. The sky was soft. The breeze was kind. One of those rare moments where it actually felt good to exist outside. Shorts and a t-shirt. No sweat. No chill. Just… comfortable.

But I didn’t eat all day.
Not because I was trying to prove anything.
Not because I forgot.
Just because I didn’t feel hungry. And even if I had, I didn’t really have much to eat. My first and only meal was half a baked potato around six. That was it.

I spent a lot of time sitting in the truck, tucked out of sight.
Not hiding, exactly. But not trying to be seen either.
I let the music fill the space, but not too loud—just enough to blur the silence.
I listened to nature too. Birds, wind, trees. I watched the leaves dance like they were showing off. And for a second, I envied them—how effortless it all looked. How sure they seemed of their place.

I did some random little tasks.
Laundry. Ran fans to an upper cabin. Put things away. Kept the walkie on, in case I was needed. Stayed useful. Stayed quiet. Stayed moving just enough to feel like I had a purpose.

And all the while, I kept wondering:
Is this ever gonna be enough?

This day.
This role.
This rhythm of being helpful but unseen, steady but silent.

It’s hard to explain to people how doing “good” things can still leave you feeling hollow.
How you can check off boxes, keep the place running, carry things no one sees—and still go to bed feeling like a ghost.

I guess that’s why most people don’t ask for the real answer.
And maybe that’s why I usually don’t give it.

But today?
Today was good.
And also?
It wasn’t.

It was soft weather and quiet hunger.
A little music. A little wind.
Some tasks done in the background.
And a question that won’t quite go away.

2025 Summer Bingo (A Love Letter to the Version of Me That Still Tried)

Back in spring, when the days were still soft and I hadn’t yet unraveled under the weight of this place, I made a bingo board.
Twenty-five little boxes.
Each one a whisper: maybe this year will be different.
A scavenger hunt for joy. A quiet dare to hope.

It was a way to take control.
To remind myself that I am allowed to want things.
That life could be more than work and duty and holding everything together while no one notices I’m cracking.

I didn’t say it out loud, but I hoped this board might save me.
Or at least anchor me.
Give me something to reach for when everything else feels too heavy.

And at first, I tried.

Because here we are, deep into summer, and I’ve done a few things.
I got a new coffee. I climbed Cape Henry Lighthouse.
I started a blog. I backed the truck up to high ropes more times than I ever wanted.
I have plans to visit Belties Café.
I’ve hugged Megan. We’ve talked tattoos.
I’ve made frozen bubbles. I’ve watched the sun kiss the water goodnight.

But most of the board will stay blank.

Not because I didn’t want those things. I wanted them so badly.
“Design a greeting card.” “Go to a park.” “Fancy night out.” “Paint with someone.”
Tiny moments. Soft corners of a summer I thought I might finally get to enjoy.
But the truth is, when you are this tired—this stretched thin—
Even joy starts to feel like another thing you don’t have the strength for.

Life doesn’t care that I wrote it down.
Doesn’t care that I carved out space for whimsy and wonder.
Doesn’t care that I needed this.
It just kept asking more of me.
More work. More patience. More silence.
Less time. Less rest. Less me.

So no—I won’t fill the board.
I probably won’t even come close.

But maybe what I did do still matters.
Maybe the real squares were the ones I never wrote down:
“Didn’t quit when everything felt pointless.”
“Laughed when it hurt.”
“Got out of bed anyway.”
“Carried the weight so no one else had to.”
“Let myself hope, even if it broke my heart.”

I am so far past the point of needing this summer to be impressive.
I just needed it to be kind.
And maybe it wasn’t.
But I was.

To others. To the job. To the version of me that still showed up.
And I’m learning to count that, too.

So no, I didn’t win.
But I tried.
And I survived.
And that has to be worth something.

Hidden In The Corners

I took this picture at the end of one of those days. The kind where your body feels ancient before the sun even considers setting. Where every muscle aches with the kind of tired that sleep can’t fix. I couldn’t remember the last time I sat down, let alone stopped moving.

I’d been going nonstop since morning— soaked through with sweat and sudden summer rain,
mud on my shoes, hair stuck to my face, filling water coolers, hauling trash bags, fixing what broke before anyone even noticed it had fallen apart. It was the kind of day where the clock slips away from you, where all you can do is keep your head down and push forward because there’s still so much left to do, and you’re the one who does it.

But for a moment—
a rare, fragile moment—
I paused.

I looked up.

And there they were: clouds that held both weight and softness, like they’d been stitched together by lightning and lullabies. They glowed with that strange, storm-lit kind of light—
blue and gold and bruised gray all at once, like the sky couldn’t decide what it was feeling either.

So I took a photo. Something in me said remember this.
Not because it was perfect— but because it was real.
Because something about that sky made me feel like maybe there was more going on than I could see.

Later that night, I was curled up in bed—exhausted, sore, scrolling half-heartedly through my camera roll, just trying to tether myself to something good. And I stopped on that photo again.

And there it was.

A rainbow.

Faint. Hidden in the upper corner. Tucked into the clouds so subtly you could miss it if you weren’t really looking.

And I hadn’t seen it when I took the shot. Not even a flicker. But it was there. It had been there all along.

And I sat there—
staring at that quiet little arc of light—
and felt something crack open in me.

Because that’s what this week has been.
Heavy.
Demanding.
Full of things I didn’t sign up for
and moments that almost broke me.

But it also held things I missed in real time:
a laugh during a water break
that made the weight of the day feel a little lighter.
The wind kissing my face after the storm passed,
reminding me I’m still alive.
The hush of the world right before sunset—
when even the chaos takes a breath.
A rainbow I didn’t know was there
until the day was done.

It reminded me:
Sometimes beauty is quiet.
Sometimes grace doesn’t show up loud and obvious.
It’s tucked in corners,
woven into the ordinary,
soft and steady like a whisper.

And maybe that’s the whole point.

Maybe the good things are still there,
even when we’re too tired to see them.
Maybe the light doesn’t disappear—
it just waits patiently
for us to slow down long enough to notice.

So if your week has felt like mine—
exhausting, unrelenting,
a string of moments that asked too much—
please know this:

There might be a rainbow you missed.
There might be laughter still echoing somewhere in your memory.
There might be grace folded into the day you thought you barely survived.

You are not alone.
Not even close.

Hold on.
Keep going.
There’s still light.
Even in the storm.
Especially in the storm.