The Mountain Always Looked Different in Fall

Today is officially the first day of fall.

There are certain things I wait for every year without realizing just how much I have missed them. The first morning when the air feels different against my skin. The first evening when summer finally releases its grip and I can reach for a hoodie without regretting it. The first leaves that begin to turn, almost quietly, as though the trees are keeping a secret from the rest of the world.

Fall has always been my favorite season.

Maybe because I have always understood something about the beauty of things changing.

There is something about autumn that feels honest. Nothing stays green forever. Nothing holds its shape forever. The trees spend months growing, reaching, becoming, and then, when the time comes, they let go. They do not try to hold onto summer. They simply become something else.

And I think I have always loved that.

But when I think about fall, my mind does not first go to South Dakota.

It goes to the mountains.

It goes to Crossroads.

Fall at Crossroads was something I could never quite explain to someone who had not stood there and watched it happen. The mountains did not simply change color. They seemed to change entirely.

At first, it was subtle. One tree would begin turning at the edges, a little yellow or orange appearing among the green. Then another would follow. Every time you walked outside, something had changed. A different branch had turned. A different hillside had begun to glow.

And then, somehow, you would look up one day and realize the entire mountain had become autumn.

Red and orange and gold stretched across the hills as far as you could see. The trees seemed to catch fire beneath the afternoon sun, but there was nothing destructive about it. It was beautiful in the quietest, strangest way.

I could have stood there forever.

I loved the way the air changed when fall came to the mountain, too. It was still that familiar mountain air, clean and fresh, but there was a coolness woven through it now. Mornings felt sharper. Evenings came with a chill that made campfires feel necessary.

There were nights spent outside beneath the darkening sky, with smoke curling upward and sparks disappearing into the darkness. There were leaves scattered across the roads and paths, the sound of them beneath your feet, and mountains disappearing into shadow as the sun went down.

It felt like the whole place was breathing differently.

And now, looking at this photograph, I realize how much I miss it.

Not just the colors.

Not just the mountains.

I miss the feeling of being there.

I miss knowing that I could turn a corner and suddenly find myself surrounded by more beauty than I knew what to do with. I miss looking up at those mountains and watching the season move across them. I miss the cool air and the smell of woodsmoke. I miss the way autumn seemed to settle over Crossroads and make everything feel a little more alive.

There are places that become tangled up with pieces of who we are.

You leave them, but you do not really leave them.

They stay in photographs. They stay in memories. They hide in certain songs, certain smells, certain kinds of weather. They come back when the leaves begin to change and you suddenly find yourself remembering a road you have not driven in years.

Crossroads is one of those places for me.

And perhaps that is why this photograph feels like more than a photograph.

It is a road covered in fallen leaves.

It is a building beneath the mountain.

It is a sky I remember.

It is a season I loved.

It is a place I miss.

I know fall will keep coming whether I am standing on that mountain or watching the seasons change here at home. The world will keep turning gold. Leaves will still fall. The evenings will still grow cold. Somewhere, someone will light a campfire beneath an October sky.

But there will always be a part of me that remembers what autumn looked like at Crossroads.

There will always be a part of me standing somewhere on that mountain, looking out at all those colors and thinking, I wish I could keep this.

Maybe that is why I take photographs.

Because I know nothing stays.

The leaves fall. The seasons move on. Places change. People leave. Years pass.

So I take the picture.

I keep a little piece of the moment where I found it.

And every September, when the air begins to cool and the first hints of autumn return, I find myself thinking about that mountain again.

I miss it.

I miss Crossroads.

And I think I will always miss fall there most of all.

Happy First Day of Fall! šŸ‚

Holy Ground

I served eleven years on Crossroads staff. Eleven years of early mornings, late nights, storms weathered, and prayers whispered between tasks. Eleven years of carrying water jugs, fixing leaks, sweeping cabins, and learning that sometimes ministry doesn’t look like preaching. It looks like quiet work. It looks like showing up. It looks like love disguised as labor.

Yesterday was the 40th anniversary of Crossroads. Forty years of ministry, summer camp, and community. Forty years of stories written on this soil. It was also my last day of work.

This morning I stood on the porch one last time. The air was thick and cool, clouds gathering and parting like the sky couldn’t decide what it wanted to feel. I drove up to Hunt, filled my bottles for the last time, and cried because how do you not, when you’re saying goodbye to something that has shaped you down to your bones.

The leaves were turning, the wind carrying them down the mountain like tiny farewells. It felt right that I was leaving with them, part of the same rhythm of endings, of change, of release. The mountain will go on breathing without me. That truth stings, but it’s holy too.

This mountain has held so many versions of me.
The girl who wanted to belong.
The young adult who learned to lead.
The broken one who found healing in the work.
The quiet one who met God not in sermons, but in silence.

I’ve said goodbye to people, to summers, to versions of myself. But this goodbye feels different. Final, in a soft and sacred way. Like setting something down without resentment, only gratitude.

At our final staff meeting, Kenneth asked, ā€œHow do you create space to cultivate God?ā€

The question has stayed with me. For me, it’s about learning to notice. Not just carving out time, but softening my heart enough to see Him in the small things. In a shared meal. A kind word. A quiet walk back from dinner. It’s not loud or dramatic. Sometimes it’s just sitting with my coffee and not reaching for my phone. Letting silence stretch longer than feels comfortable. Being honest in prayer, even when all I can manage is a sigh.

And then there’s little lion, Kenneth’s two-year-old son, running across the property with that wild curiosity only toddlers have. Watching him see the world like it’s brand new has been one of the most grounding parts of this season. He’ll stop and study a leaf, or point to the sky just to say ā€œmoon.ā€ He laughs at gravel crunching under his shoes, at the wind in his hair, at the smallest moments of wonder. He notices everything. He reminds me that awe isn’t something you grow out of. It’s something you grow back into.

Maybe that’s what this whole chapter has been about. Learning to notice. To see God not only in the big moments, but in the ordinary ones too. In the work. In the laughter. In the stillness.

As I stood there today, looking out over the valley, I thought about how much of my life is woven into this soil. How many prayers I’ve whispered here. How much love this place has carried for me and through me. Crossroads will always be my holy ground.

And as I go, I know I’m not really leaving.
The dust of this mountain is still on my shoes.
Its river still runs through my prayers.
And its stars,
its stars will always take note.

The Porch, The Leaves and Me

I came back to the house yesterday after running a few tasks nothing major, just the usual mountain things and for some reason, when I stepped up to the porch, I stopped.

The vines were hanging down just right over the roofline. The light above the door had kicked on even though the sun wasn’t fully gone yet. There were leaves scattered everywhere across the steps, all orange and crinkled and loud under my shoes.

And I don’t know, something about it felt really beautiful.
But also really sad.

Because I’m leaving this.
Soon.

I’ve walked through this door a hundred times. Maybe more.
Usually in a rush. Usually with something in my hands.
But today I didn’t move.

I just stood there.
Staring at the way fall had dressed the porch in color.
And I thought,
This is what goodbye looks like sometimes.
Soft. Quiet. Beautiful. Subtle.

No one around.
No big speech.
Just me and a house that’s held so many versions of me.

There are thirteen days left until the 40th.
Thirteen days until I leave this mountain.
Thirteen days until I close this door and it doesn’t open for me again.

And I know it’s right. I know I’m ready in the ways that matter.
But that doesn’t mean I don’t feel it.

Because this isn’t just a building.
It’s been a home. A hiding place. A launch point.

This porch has seen me exhausted and giddy and crying and singing and eating dinner on the steps at midnight. This door has welcomed me back when I felt like I had nothing left to give.

So yeah.
Looking at it yesterday, with the leaves and the glow and the chill in the air.
It hit different.

I think I just needed to write this so I don’t forget how it felt.
The stillness. The beauty. The grief.
That weird ache in your chest when something feels like home and a memory at the same time.

I don’t want to rush past these moments.
I want to let them matter.

Even if it hurts a little.
Even if it makes me cry later.
Even if no one else ever sees that porch the way I did today.

Because I saw it.
And I felt it.
And I’ll carry it.

When The Seasons Turn

I keep thinking about the trees.

How they do not fight the seasons. How when the air shifts and the light tilts, they do not cling to what was. They turn bright burning gold and red and fire and then, when it is time, they let go.

I wish I was more like that.

Because the truth is, this season has been hard. Harder than I can say out loud most days. Full of change stacked on change until I could not tell where one ended and the next began. Everything I thought was steady cracked a little. Maybe a lot.

And in 21 days, it will be my last day at Crossroads.

I keep packing my things. Sorting piles. Deciding what goes home, what stays, what gets handed off to someone else. But it feels heavier than just boxes and belongings. It feels like I am saying goodbye to a version of myself I did not expect to lose this soon.

Because this was not the season I imagined.

I thought I would leave here full, overflowing with memories, with joy, with a sense of belonging I could carry with me. But instead, it feels like I have been scraped raw. Like this place took more out of me than I had to give.

And yet… Jesus was here.

Not in loud, obvious ways. Not in ways that fixed everything or stopped the ache. But in the smallest mercies—like how the sky kept burning with sunsets even on the worst days. How the trees whispered of endings that could still be beautiful. How there was always just enough strength to make it through one more long, ordinary day.

And maybe that is what fall teaches us.

That endings can be holy. That letting go is not failure. That there is a strange kind of grace in the falling, the emptying, the trust that winter will not last forever.

The leaves do not fight it. They do not hold on, afraid of what is next. They blaze for a moment, and then they release—quietly, simply, like they know the same God who wrote spring into the world will keep His promise again.

I wish I trusted like that.

But right now, it just feels like goodbye.

And goodbyes have never come easy for me. Because it is not just leaving a place. It is leaving pieces of myself here, the laughter that came when I least expected it. The prayers whispered on nights when the silence felt heavy. The version of me that made it through even when she did not think she could.

Fall does not ask us if we are ready before it comes. It just sweeps in, shifts everything, strips the trees bare, and somehow calls it beautiful.

Maybe that is what this is.

So I am letting the days count down. I am watching the leaves turn and scatter. I am packing what I can, carrying what I must, and leaving the rest in God’s hands.

Because if the trees can trust Him with their seasons, maybe I can too.

Between the Leaves and the Letting Go

September doesn’t just bring a change in the weather.
It brings a shift in the soul.
A soft unraveling.
A quiet grief.

The days are still warm enough to pretend it’s summer,
but the wind doesn’t lie.
The light fades earlier now,
and the leaves have started to let go—
like even they are too tired to hold on.

And maybe I am, too.

This is my last season at camp.
October 18 will be the final day I call this mountain mine.
My last sunrise wrapped in fog.
My last trash run,
last time my name crackles through the walkie,
last time I move through these woods like they still belong to me.

And it hurts more than I thought it would.
Not just because I’m leaving,
but because I’ve already been disappearing.

Depression showed up slowly this season.
Not like a thunderstorm—more like fog.
Stealing joy in pieces.
Making everything feel far away.
I’m still showing up.
Still doing the work.
But some days it feels like I’m watching myself live from somewhere else.

The stars still catch my eye—I even took a photo the other night.
But the awe I used to feel has been quieter.
Less like wonder,
more like a memory trying to reach me.

This month is National Suicide Prevention Month.
And I think it matters to be honest.
I have been hurting.
I have been tired.
I have been thinking too much about vanishing.
And maybe you have too.

If you have, please hear me:
You are not broken.
You are not a burden.
You are not too much.
You are not alone.

And I’m learning—slowly, gently—that even in all this ache,
there are still things worth staying for.

Like hot coffee on the porch when the morning air turns sharp.
Like seeing your breath in October and remembering you’re still alive.
Like flannel shirts and cinnamon candles and letting yourself wear the soft things.
Like small bonfires with good people.
Like seeing a friend you haven’t in months and realizing they missed you.
Like baking something warm.
Like letting someone hug you, even when you don’t have the words.
Like a drive with the windows down and the music loud.
Like finding new things to try—maybe pottery, or painting, or just going on a walk when the trees start to flame.

Like looking up at the stars and whispering: I’m still here.

Because you are.
And that’s everything.

So no, I don’t have a perfect ending to this post.
Just this:
I’m hurting.
I’m healing.
I’m staying.
And I’m learning to believe there’s more ahead.
Not just endings.
But beginnings, too.

The leaves are falling.
But so are the stars.
And they do take note.

So if all you can do today is stay—
Stay.
And I’ll stay too.


If you’re struggling, please don’t stay silent.
You matter. You are needed here.

šŸ“ž 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (US)
Call or text 988 anytime. You are not alone.

šŸ“± Crisis Text Line
Text HELLO to 741741 to chat with a trained counselor.

🌐 NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness)
Visit nami.org/help or call 1-800-950-NAMI (6264)

🧔 You are not a burden. Your life still holds light. Please, stay.