becoming

Not Everyone Who Leaves Stops Loving It

/ Kelly Thomas / Leave a comment

A friend recently sent me a letter about camp leadership and the expectations that come with it, and I think part of me has been grieving it ever since.

Not because it was new information. Not because it shocked me. But because it finally gave words to something I have carried quietly for years.

There is this unspoken thing at camp where people leave pieces of themselves behind long after they are gone. A certain laugh in the dining hall. A tradition they started. A way they made children feel safe. Some people become so deeply woven into camp that their absence never really feels like absence at all. They become stories people tell around campfires years later. Memories repeated so often they almost stop sounding human and start sounding holy.

And then someone new arrives.

Young. Nervous. Trying so hard.

And everyone expects them to somehow step perfectly into the shape of the person before them.

There’s something quietly cruel about being expected to carry a torch you were never taught how to hold.

At camp, leadership gets passed down like tradition. One person leaves, another steps in, and somehow everyone expects the next person to already know how to do it all. How to lead. How to comfort homesick kids. How to carry conflict gently. How to keep camp feeling magical while they themselves are exhausted. How to be dependable and cheerful and emotionally available every second of the day.

But confidence is not instinct. Leadership is not magic. And experience cannot be inherited through expectation alone.

Still, camp has this way of acting like it can.

And maybe the hardest part is that the comparisons rarely come from cruelty. Most of the time they come from love. Someone missing the people who raised them there. Someone remembering summers that meant everything to them. So they say things casually, never realizing how deeply those words land inside someone already struggling to feel enough.

“Well, so-and-so used to do it this way.”

“They were always really good at this.”

“Last year just felt different.”

And maybe they forget those people were once uncertain too.

Maybe they forget there was a time before they became “camp legends.” Before they knew how to lead chapel or calm a crying camper or hold everything together so naturally people thought they were born knowing how.

Because nobody remembers the becoming. Only the version that survived it.

And I think what broke a lot of us was trying to become whole beneath the weight of everyone else’s memories.

It was the feeling that no matter how much of ourselves we poured into camp, we were still standing in the shadow of people who had already become untouchable there. We gave everything we had to children and cabins and traditions while quietly wondering if anyone could tell we had no idea what we were doing.

I think about the versions of us sitting awake after lights out, emotionally hollowed out from giving all day long. Smiling until our cheeks hurt. Holding crying children while privately feeling like we were falling apart too. Listening to worship songs in chapels while wondering why we suddenly felt so unbearably alone in a place full of people.

Because camp asks people to give in ways that are hard to explain to anyone who has never lived it.

It asks for your patience. Your energy. Your softness. Your joy. Your ability to stay calm when children are crying and schedules are collapsing and your body is begging you to rest.

And the terrifying thing is that so many of us were willing to give it everything.

We loved camp enough to ignore our own exhaustion. Enough to keep showing up while our mental health got worse. Enough to convince ourselves that struggling meant we were weak instead of overwhelmed. Enough to believe that if we just gave more of ourselves away, maybe eventually we would finally feel worthy of being there.

I think there are people who have not returned to camp in years who still carry guilt every single summer when the season comes around. People who see photos online and feel their chest ache with homesickness for a version of themselves that no longer exists. People who miss camp so deeply it feels like grief, but also know going back would reopen wounds they barely survived the first time.

And that is such a confusing kind of heartbreak. To love something so much and still need distance from it. To miss a place while also recognizing it slowly consumed you. To realize the place that once made you feel most alive also taught you, quietly and over time, that your worth depended on how much of yourself you were willing to sacrifice for everyone else.

I do not think camp means to hurt people.

I think camp is made of beautiful, exhausted humans trying to recreate the magic they once survived themselves.

But sometimes that means the cycle repeats.

Young leaders arrive wanting desperately to belong, and before they have even figured out who they are, they are handed emotional responsibilities too heavy for their shoulders and expectations too large for their still-forming hearts. They learn quickly that the people who are loved most at camp are the ones who give the most. The ones who stay latest. Work hardest. Need least. Smile anyway.

And some of us did that until there was almost nothing left of ourselves outside of camp at all.

Not everyone who leaves camp stops loving it.

Some of us just finally realized we were disappearing there, and stepping away was the first time we chose to save ourselves instead of sacrificing ourselves for a place that taught us exhaustion was the same thing as devotion.

The Sky Wouldn’t Wait

/ Kelly Thomas / Leave a comment

I almost stayed inside.

That’s what sits with me now, more than anything else. How easy it would have been to just watch it through the window. To notice the color, call it beautiful, and let it pass without asking anything of me.

But the sky didn’t look like something you could witness halfway.

It looked like it was breaking open.

A thin line of fire at the horizon, orange deepening into red, red slipping into purple, like something alive and leaving at the same time. And there was this pull, quiet but certain, the kind that doesn’t wait for you to feel ready.

So I went.

Not prepared, not thought out. Just… as I was. The kind of leaving where you don’t stop to fix anything. Crocs shoved on without thinking, basketball shorts that made no sense for the cold, a thin hoodie that felt like a half-promise against 22 degrees.

I felt it the second I stepped outside.

The cold didn’t ease in. It took hold. Straight to my lungs, sharp enough to steal a breath and make me question it for a second. Just a second.

Because the sky was still burning.

So I ran.

Out into the back field, where the ground never quite holds you steady. Tall grass hiding every uneven step, fallen limbs waiting where you don’t see them. My shoes slipping just enough to remind me they weren’t meant for this, my legs stinging with cold that had nowhere to hide against bare skin.

I ducked under fencing that caught at my sleeves, pushed through lilac branches that scratched like they were trying to slow me down, like everything around me was asking if I was sure.

The wind met me head-on.

Thirty miles an hour of resistance, pressing into me, turning every step into effort. It felt almost intentional, like something trying to turn me back toward warmth, toward sense, toward staying.

And I didn’t have a good reason not to.

Just a knowing.

That if I stopped, if I hesitated, I would miss it.

And that felt heavier than the cold.

So I kept going, breath uneven, hands starting to go numb, hoodie doing nothing but reminding me how unready I was for this. Everything about me mismatched to the moment, like I had stepped out of one world and into another without warning.

But maybe that’s what it is.

The best moments don’t wait for you to match them.

They just happen.

By the time I reached the fence line, I wasn’t really running anymore. Just moving forward because I had already come this far, because turning back then would have meant carrying something I didn’t want to carry.

And then I saw it.

The horizon wide and open, nothing in the way. The sun slipping under like it was being pulled down, leaving everything behind in color. Orange into red into purple, folding into each other like they knew they didn’t have long.

The fence stood in front of me, steady, unmoving. The trees reached in from the sides, bare and quiet, like they were holding the moment in place.

And the sky just gave everything.

Not carefully. Not slowly.

It burned.

And I stood there in Crocs half-soaked from the grass, legs bare to the cold, a hoodie that never stood a chance, shaking from the wind and the weight of having made it there in time.

Not comfortable. Not steady.

But there.

And something in me settled in a way I don’t know how to explain cleanly.

That some things will never meet you where you are. They won’t wait for you to be ready, or warm, or dressed for it. They will exist fully without you.

And you either go to them, or you don’t.

I stayed until it faded. Until the colors softened, until the fire cooled, until the sky folded back into something quieter, like nothing had happened at all.

And the whole walk back, colder than before, slower now, I kept thinking about how close I came to missing it.

How easily this could have been a moment I only half-saw.

I think that’s what I’m trying to fight, in my own quiet way.

The version of me that stays inside.
That chooses comfort without question.
That lets things pass because they are inconvenient.

Because tonight, it was inconvenient.

And still, it mattered.

Not because it changed anything. Not because it fixed anything.

But because I was there.

Because I chose to step out into something I wasn’t ready for
to meet something that wouldn’t wait.

And maybe that’s enough.

Maybe that’s the whole point.

To keep going when something calls,
even if you’re underdressed,
even if you’re shaking,
even if it doesn’t make sense.

To meet the moment where it is,
not where it’s easy.

Because some things only exist out there,
past the fence line,
in the cold,
in the wind,
in the seconds before they disappear.

And I don’t want to keep missing them.

She Stands Between Prairie and Hills

/ Kelly Thomas / Leave a comment

There’s a moment, right before the land changes, where I always pull over.

East of the river, everything stretches—flat, open, familiar. Prairie that feels like it goes on forever, like a breath you don’t have to think about taking. But once you cross the Missouri, the earth begins to rise. It gathers itself into hills, into movement, into something a little more wild.

And right there, in that in-between, she stands.

Lady Dignity.

She doesn’t just stand—she holds space. Arms outstretched, star quilt open like a sky you can almost step into. She stands with her back to the Missouri River, facing east—toward the prairie, toward the long stretch of land I come from.

There’s something about that I can’t shake.

It feels intentional. Like she isn’t watching what has passed, but what is still becoming. Like she’s holding space for what lies ahead instead of what’s already behind.

And every time I stop there, coming from the east, it feels like she’s meeting me. Not turning away—but standing firm, steady, facing the same horizon I’ve known my whole life.

Prairie to prairie. Quiet to quiet.

Like she understands where I’ve been before I even arrive.

I always stop here. I don’t rush it. I don’t treat it like just another roadside landmark. It feels wrong to do that.
There’s something about her that asks for stillness.

Maybe it’s the way the wind moves through this place—real South Dakota wind, the kind that doesn’t ask permission. It catches the edges of her quilt, the blues shifting like pieces of sky caught in motion. In the daylight, those diamond shapes flicker and glow, like quiet reminders that even something solid can carry light.

And at night, she changes.

She doesn’t disappear into the dark—she rises in it. Lit up, steady, unwavering. Not softer, not smaller. Just… present in a different way. Like strength doesn’t always have to be loud to be seen.

Dale Lamphere said she represents the courage, perseverance, and wisdom of the Lakota and Dakota people—and you can feel that when you stand there. Not in a loud, overwhelming way. But in something deeper. Something rooted. Something that doesn’t need to prove itself to be known.

It makes you straighten a little. Look a little longer. Think a little quieter.

For me, she’s become a marker. Not just of geography—east and west, prairie and hills—but of something internal too. A pause between where I’ve been and where I’m going. A reminder that there’s strength in standing still for a moment. In acknowledging the ground beneath you and the history it holds.

Every time I stop, it feels the same and different all at once.

Familiar, like coming back to something that knows you.
And humbling, like you’re being gently reminded how small you are in the presence of something that carries so much more.

I don’t stay forever.

Just long enough to look up at her, to let the wind move around me, to feel that quiet settle in my chest.

And then I keep driving—west into the hills, or back east into the open.

But I carry her with me every time.

Because some places don’t just exist on a map.
Some places meet you where you are—and leave something behind when you go.

And she does.

She always does.

The Things That Followed Me Home

/ Kelly Thomas / Leave a comment

I’ve been building something quietly.

Not because I didn’t want to share it—but because I didn’t know how to talk about it without unraveling it too soon. Some things feel fragile when they’re still becoming. Like if you name them too quickly, they might lose the shape they were trying to take.

But I don’t want to keep it hidden anymore.

I’m creating something out of my photography and my writing. Not just a collection, not just something to look at—but something that holds what those moments felt like when I was inside them. Something that doesn’t let them disappear as easily as everything else seems to.

One of these pieces is rooted in 11 summers at a camp that shaped me in ways I’m still trying to understand. It wasn’t just the place—it was the people, the conversations, the nights that stretched longer than they should have, the quiet moments in between everything loud. It was being known, and sometimes being unknown in ways that still mattered. It was learning how deeply something temporary can change you.

I didn’t realize, while I was there, that I was becoming someone different each summer. I didn’t realize I was collecting pieces of myself that I would spend years trying to sort through later.

The other piece is everything else.

Everywhere I’ve been.
Every road, every shoreline, every stretch of sky that made me stop for a second longer than I meant to.

From the East Coast to Alaska.
From mountains that made me feel small in a way that steadied me, to quiet edges of water where everything felt like it could finally exhale.

It’s the fox that appeared for a moment and then was gone.
The birds that stayed just long enough for me to notice them.
The kind of light that feels like it’s trying to say something, even if I don’t fully understand it yet.

I think I’ve been trying to hold onto things because I’m afraid of how easily they pass.

People.
Places.
Versions of myself.

There are photos I took because something felt beautiful.
There are others I took because I didn’t want to forget.
And there are some I didn’t understand at all until much later—until I looked back and realized they were carrying more than I knew at the time.

This is a slow process.

Some days I open it and everything feels clear, like I know exactly what I’m trying to say.
Other days I close it because it feels too heavy, or too unfinished, or too honest in a way I’m not ready to sit with yet.

But I don’t want to wait until it’s perfect to let it be seen.

I want to share it while it’s still becoming.
While it’s still messy.
While I’m still figuring it out.

Because that feels more true to what this actually is.

This isn’t just something I’m making.
It’s something I’m moving through.

It’s me trying to understand what stayed with me—and why.
Why certain places still feel like they’re calling me back.
Why certain people still exist in the quiet parts of my thoughts.
Why some moments refuse to fade, no matter how much time passes.

I don’t have a clean explanation for any of it.

But I do have these images.
These words.
These pieces of something I lived.

And for now, that feels like enough to begin.